I don’t want to leave my beautiful and perfect apartment with my perfect front porch and perfect side yard under the perfect pine trees. I don’t want to live somewhere without these 1970’s green kitchen chairs or my dream catcher collection or flowers in wine bottles. The sun it setting and the light is streaming perfectly through my big living room windows and I’m sitting on the floor with tears on my cheeks because in four days this will no longer be mine and neither will this old tv stand that I found in someone’s garage or the washer and dryer I found in the Pennysaver. This is hard hard hard and so much harder than I ever anticipated but this is the only home I’ve had in the better part of the last decade that actually FELT like a home and now I’m giving it up. I’m taking five steps back and living in two places at once, with my things scattered who-knows-where and spending my time driving over ten hours in any given week just to keep up with my life. I’m leaving my friends, and family, and any sense of home that I’ve gained. It’s a fresh start and it is oh so miserable. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to move. Now the sadness has turned into anger and I have a headache in the back of my eye that makes me regret ever agreeing to this. Regret regret regret is all I feel. I want to take it back. I want to go back to this fall and pause. Reconsider.
Today little sister cracks open
a second egg and mom’s eyes
dart across the kitchen.
'You are not supposed to eat
more than one egg a day
you know that is far
too much cholesterol.’
The first meal I ate at the hospital
was a two-egged omelette
drenched in cheese.
My mother sat across from me
while the nurses and social workers
retaught her how to feed me.
They told her I was not allowed
to hide cheese under my plate,
or pick off the tortilla shell
and avoid the egg yolk.
They told her there were new rules, now
3000 to 5000 calories a day,
no more sugar-free jello
That night we went to the grocery store
and felt the world tilt upside down
We walked passed the low fat,
Until we hit the goldmine:
ice cream bars
full fat butter.
Foods that would make my heart beat regularly again
and put life back in my eyes.
Today I tell my mother I think it is fine
for little sister to eat two eggs,
cholesterol be damned.
But she looks me in the eye and says
“It’s different for you.”
This is the same phrase she repeats
when I ask her why she does not want us to cook noodles
for mother’s day dinner
or why she is not eating sugar
It is a phrase which means:
because you showed so much control
that you grew out of control
You are Hereby Exempt
from the Dieting Culture
It is a phrase which means,
‘I am drawing a firm line
between the South Beach diet
The No-Carb diet
The No-Sugar diet
The Atkins diet
The You Are Inherently Flawed and in Need of Fixing
Because nobody likes to think about the fact
that perhaps we are all playing with fire
that perhaps The American Dream
(and by this I mean weight loss)
is nothing but a smokescreen.
That perhaps shrinking oneself successfully
does not actually move mountains,
paint your soul in bright gold,
or part the seas.
That perhaps making ourselves disappear
won’t fix the real problems
our good intentions will never
pave the path to heaven.
Tomorrow when I wake up
I am going to breathe in the morning air
and thank the universe for poppyseed muffins,
ice cream bars
full fat butter
I am going to change the world
and fry two eggs for breakfast.
America’s fifty states have a lot in common, but if their internet search histories are any indication they also have significant differences. Estately ran hundreds of search queries through Google Trends to determine which words, terms, and questions each state was searching for more than any other. The results ranged from mildly amusing to completely disturbing. No doubt this information will come in handy for anyone trying to decide which state they want to buy a home in, especially for those curious how their potential neighbors spend their time online.
Why Illinois, why
"back shaving" oh my gOD
Never would have guessed. =0
Get the unicorn tattoo. Convert. Tattoo removed.
the truth is out there nuevo mexico
Seriously, Thumb Wrestling?